Dumber Than a Sportscaster..

by Wayne Flaherty

If there is anything dumber than a sportscaster I have yet to see it. As dispensers of worthless information sportscasters have no equal. They go on and on commenting on what just happened, what should have happened, and what could have happened. They babble on endlessly, armed with useless statistics and historical facts designed to amuse and astound their listeners. Especially interesting are the ex-jocks - you know - former players who have retired from active participation. They bring to the table their vast storehouse of anecdotes and trivia gleaned on the field of battle. They are totally unaware of the fact that were it not for sports, many of them would spend their lives pitching pennies on a street corner.    

To test my contention that the information they dispense is worthless, imagine a sportscaster's booth suddenly whisked away to another venue - say to a construction site. Now, let these geniuses comment on the events as they unfold before them.

"We are ready for the day's action to begin but first lets introduce the key players. On the jackhammer we have Hammerin' Jack Black. He holds the world record for creating the longest ditch in an asphalt roadway - 5,279 feet. He set that record at the ripe old age of 27, beating the old record by just 3-1/4 inches. On the chop saw we have Choppin' Charlie Eversole. He goes by the nickname of three fingered Charlie. Charlie anchors the end cut facility for the guys who actually put things together. The king of the assembly crew is Puttin' Pete Revere. He is half of the team of putters and nailers. The other half is Nailgun Norman Stumper. Nailgun can put in 45 nails a minute with gusts up to 60. You don't want to get in his way when he is on a hot streak.

Great things are expected from this team in the coming year. They had a losing year last year with 4 wins and 10 losses. One of these losses is questionable as a tornado carried their building away before they could finish it. They don't expect to be working in the tornado belt this year and could have a clean record. A new player should help the team. They traded Fumblin' Frank Bond for Alignin' Alvin Strode. It is said that Alvin can tell in an instant if a building is leaning too much - and he can tell you which way it is leaning. That should help prevent those embarrassing times when they can't get the doors and windows installed because the building is out of square. It's just that kind of problem that cost them the championship back in '86.

There's the starting whistle so let's sit back and enjoy the action. Today's action is brought to you by the law firm of Cheatim and Ripoff. They can arrange financing for any building - no matter who built it."

If you want to explore the possibilities further just imagine these same sportscasters commenting on the action in a hospital operating room, a sleazy strip club, a mayor's office when the council is in session, or when your local evangelist is trying to coax money out of the congregation.

Have fun! I did.